Wake Up Dead Man

It was raining. I had sinned greatly. I walked on the sidewalk that ran along the river, puddles gathering at the sidewalk’s edge, brown with dirt and green with floating green leaves. The river was high because of the rain and ran swift in the middle, slowly by the banks.

I told God that I was sorry for what I had done. I said, I am sorry. I said, I hate myself. I said, Jesus without You I am nothing.

I wanted to be as far away from me as possible. I wanted to be as far away from my sin as possible, but I couldn’t push it from my mind. It hung with me, stayed by me, festered in me. My sin consumed me.

I was the problem.

Walking on the dark-gray sidewalk, I saw a cardinal. It was very red against the brown of the tree, the gray of the cloudy sky, and the murky brown of the river. Three steps further I saw two robins, hopping gaily, their rusty-colored chests full and bulging.

I am the problem, but I am not the solution. I saw the cardinal and thought of a U2 song I knew. It says, “Jesus, Jesus help me. I’m alone in this world.” I had sinned but I longed for purity. I wanted to be clean but I couldn’t wash the stain.

I told God, I am sorry. I told Him, I feel hopeless and alone.

I saw the cardinal, thought of the U2 song, which says, “Tell me the story, the one about eternity. And the way it’s all going to be.”

I saw the cardinal, thought of the song, and remembered Revelation 21. It says, “God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain.”

I told God, I can’t do this. I told Him, Save me. I told God, Make my heart soft, my love big, and my soul full of grace.

I said, God I need you because I am weak and you are strong.

The U2 song says, “Wake up, dead man.”

Ephesians 2 says, “You were dead in your trespasses.”

Ephesians 2 says, “But God . . . raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.”

It was raining, and I had sinned greatly. I felt like dying, and in my sin I had been dead. I sinned, and then repented. I sinned, and then repented. I cursed God and blessed Him. I committed adultery and then announced my faith. I was the greatest sinner but called myself a saint. I told people I followed a very great man, named Jesus, who was God, and that He saved me from myself. I told them that, but went home and sinned.

I saw the cardinal, the two robins, and then I saw two ducks, and three birds flying far away that I couldn’t identify.

I said, God, make me fly.

He said, “Those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not become weary.”

I waited for the Lord. I waited on the sidewalk, by the river, in the rain, with the cardinal, under the gray clouds. I waited for Him and He came to me and said, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”