Realizing Jesus: Humble Wisdom

Every morning, or nearly every morning, I wake up and think to myself—I can do this, I can take on this day, by myself, you know? I don't need your help, or anyone's help at all. I can handle it. But, if I am honest, I couldn't be more wrong. I am arrogant to think that I can even do anything on my own, prideful to believe I am where I am because of me, wrong in trusting myself too much.

There are only a few things that I know are universally true for myself: I get lonely; I want to be known and loved anyways; I am weak, unable to go through life alone; the world is fucked up; and I need to be forgiven, made new or something, because there is this unending guilt in my heart that I can't shake—can't shake on my own.

I wouldn't say that I'm a particularly brave person, courageous or anything like that, but I am the sort of person that sees a problem and wants it fixed. Naturally, I've tried many, many things to solve the problems I just listed above (also, notice that the things I listed were all negative, basically. It's a wondrous thing how we often remember the things we want to forget, dwell on the negative while there is so much beauty in the world)—I've gone to women when I feel lonely; I've worked hard and diligently to get people's praise and attention, their approval; I've read books and gone to counseling and immersed myself in music and lived on the road and looked to my family and been stone-cold drunk. But none of it has satisfied me for longer than a brief and passing moment. I try and or have tried all of these, and—at some point or another—have always ended up feeling like shit.

But, by the grace of God, I have come to a knowledge and faith in Jesus. Life is fleeting, temporary, but Jesus is eternal (John 8:58). I feel lonely, but I am not (Matthew 28:20). I am tired, burdened by this guilt and fear and pain, but Jesus carries me (Matthew 11:28). I want to be known and loved anyways, and YHWH does just that (Hosea 2:19). I must be forgiven, and I am (1st John 1:9).

I cite scripture because it is the eternal and unwavering truth, revealing God's perfect character, and without it we would have no reference point for what is right and wrong, true and untrue, beautiful and evil. I believe that. I believe that God is love. Though I have to make the decision over and over, I trust and love and have faith in Jesus, because He has changed me and saved me, cured me from the deepest disease in my soul. Jesus loves me, and has demonstrated His love. Jesus takes me up to Heaven, because there is no tower that is high enough, and my life is far from pure enough to be in God's presence without Christ's intervention. This decision—to follow Jesus—is the decision by which all else in my life hinges upon.

With love,
h